I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
