he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
