the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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