he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
