I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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