Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
