Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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