called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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