I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I would fuck him just for his dog
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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