Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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