I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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