I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize