Even the bartender felt bad for me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
