i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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