Screwed.edu
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
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