just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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