Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
