Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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