i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
