the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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