the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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