Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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