Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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