i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
