jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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