I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Text me some of your sweat
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
