ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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