If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.