There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO