fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome