If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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