I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.