GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
