she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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