I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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