he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
