I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
