My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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