Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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