i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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