A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
