dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
