Already got asked if we're dating
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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