Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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