Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
my god I love twenty year old dicks
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
