If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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