i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
