So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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