I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
