He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
