Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
