my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
