I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
