I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Send help, water and tortillas.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
