I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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