remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
