i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
