sarcasm needs its own font
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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