I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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