Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
