i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
